Banned from zoo.
Again?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
