One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
