If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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