just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
