my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
