I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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