I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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