and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
