On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
