A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
