"it" just moved
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
