The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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