tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
