Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
