From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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