If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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