Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so let's talk penis.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
