currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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