you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
