so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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