I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
