the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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