dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I love having hate sex.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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