You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
