Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
