Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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