At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
