Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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