I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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