I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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