Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
