threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I love you. Go after that dick
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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