awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
