Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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