dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
