You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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