Nicole vs. Life
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
