u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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