I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
