You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
birth control should be required to get into college
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You are a genius and a whore.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
