No period for spring break; use this wisely.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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