i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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