my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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