mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
