Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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