My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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