my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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