Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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