thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
