You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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