"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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