mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
