i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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