Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
