it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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