your thong is hanging out like whoa
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
