I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
