Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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