I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
