do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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